MatthewValitalo.com

So a few weeks back, I was browsing reddit (‘sup guys!) when I came across this bear:

I just knew I had to buy it. So I did.

At first, I had no idea why I was buying this or who for. It was just hilarious and I had to buy it.

Eventually, I got it in my head to give it to my co-worker. We’ll call her Marcia (names will be changed for a few reasons).  Marcia’s around my age, has a pretty good sense of humor, and is generally an all-around sweetheart. We work in the front-end of a grocery store, and our hours more often than not overlap. Because of this, we’ve talked quite a bit during downtimes and have established a pretty good rapport.

What made me ultimately decide to pull this semi-gag? She’s told me a few times before how Valentine’s Day is overrated, blah blah blah. Perfect. I’ll dress up this bear with a nice red gift bag, stuff in some pink and white tissue paper, make my own card with handsomely hand-written message of affection. Everything needed to look legitimately Valentine’s-y up until she saw the rather crass bear.

So yeah, I bought the bear from LoveIsLame.com, and waited for a while. I received the bear in the mail just in time, just shy of a week before Valentine’s Day. Then I went out and bought a nice, red, shiny bag; tissue paper; and a small red paper bag that usually come in brown (the ones you use to bag lunches).

I then spent some time setting my plan into motion. Behold!

My photos are of terrible quality. You can blame the convenience of cell phone cameras. So yeah, that’s the bear I ordered.

That’s the bag and the tissue paper. I wanted some red tissue paper, but I figured the gift bag had enough red.

I removed the tag from the bear here.

Getting the insides together. That box is a Whitman’s chocolate sampler.

There’s the bag for a size comparison.

I put in some tissue paper in the bag first to pad it a bit.

After padding, I then carefully put in the other tissue paper along with the bear and the chocolate box.

There, covered up the bear. Now all that’s left is a hand-crafted card.

I cut out section of the bag and then wrote a special message for her. This part wasn’t a gag, so I blurred it. You get to come up with your own message.

The card snugly placed on the top of the bear and the paper. I wrote her name on the front of the card, but I obscured that, too.

So then I go to work the next day and begin my shift. I don’t see Marcia around for what seemed like hours, and I’m starting to think she called out. But then I pass by her when I head over to clock in (out?) for lunch break, and she says, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Matt!” in her usually cheery voice. I swivel my head around and respond in kind, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Marcia!” Oh, yes. Operation Bearly Politically Correct is a Go.

My friend who also works at this store happened to be around (we’ll call him Steve), so I tell him to stick around for a bit while I grab some foodstuffs, and I’ll show him the bear and such (I’ve let him in on the scheme). So I pay for my food, and we go to my car, I show him the bear, he laughs his head off, and we shoot the breeze for a bit while listening to the radio and while I eat.

My lunch break ends, and my friend is in tow, me with bag in hand. I get some smug “Who’s that for?” and “What’d you get me?” comments from coworkers as I make my way over to the service desk. There are no customers around, so I just walk right up to Marcia and proffer the bag. Her face just brightens up and asks if I’m really giving her a gift. Yes, I am! Just take it! She does, and starts thanking me with this brilliant smile on her face. As I’m headed to clock back in from break, she asks me if she can open it now, and I just play it cool; “You can open it now. Or open it whenever.” I clock back in, and start passing by the desk to get to my register, and say, “Actually, let me go get Steve. He might want to see this.” (Looking back, this was probably a dumb thing to say. Oh well.) So I go tell Steve she’s going to open it, and we head to the desk, and I tell her to go ahead and open it.

By now a handful of coworkers have gathered around the desk wondering what’s going on. Our coworker (“Paul”) comments, “I hope it’s a gag gift!” She sets the bag down on the desk and slowly begins pulling out the bear, with this entrancing smile on her face. Then she sees the bear. Oh, boy. It was subtle, but her smile twisted just a bit when she read what the heart said. I just burst out laughing. Oh, that was priceless. Apparently her face skipped a few shades of red, as one of our coworkers pointed out. The coworkers not in the know at this point were just itching to know what was going on, as Steve and I were just reveling in the pure hilarity of the moment, but we won’t say anything. Paul’s trying to take a picture with his phone, but Marcia is apparently too embarrassed to show her face or the bear, as she turns around to look at the bear some more. “Show them the bear!” I egg her on. “Do it, show them!”

She reluctantly turns the bear around and our coworkers all crouch in to see what this is all about. You can see the anticipation instantly release as eruptions of laughter escape from the mouths of grunts and managers alike. Oh, this is just absolute gold, the peak of civilization as I care to immediately know it. When the laughter dies down, Marcia turns to me and thanks me again and says that she likes the gift. I expected a greater shock display, but on the inside I’m just beaming with pride. I’m just absolutely glad at how well this gift turned out. With success achieved, I start putting on my cashier’s apron and declare my need to get back to my register.

Over the remainder of her shift, she wastes no opportunity to thank me and express her gratitude for the gift. “I’m glad.” I say.

Oh, Marcia. Thanks for being such a great sport. <3